The Abuse You Can’t Always See

As an attachment therapist, most clients who come into my office are healing from relational wounds. Sometimes those wounds are clear — the result of a recent rupture or a painful dynamic that’s easy to name. Other times, clients sit across from me baffled, asking why they can’t seem to manage their emotions in this particular relationship:

“I don’t know what got into me — I lost it.”
“I don’t react this way with anyone else.”
“I don’t even know how to describe what happened.”

Statements like these are not overreactions. They are the tip of the iceberg of something deeper: coercive control.

Coercive control is a pattern of manipulation, fear, and domination that can form the foundation of domestic violence. Sounds serious, right? It is. And like most forms of abuse, it exists on a spectrum. But here’s what often gets missed: if we only focus on one partner’s reactions without naming the pattern driving them, we lose vital context.

Too often, it’s the victim who finds themselves in therapy, trying to “fix” themselves to fix the relationship. Because unlike the visible marks of physical abuse, coercive control doesn’t leave bruises. Instead, it leaves someone questioning their sanity, doubting their reality, and feeling deeply disoriented.

The confusion clients describe is real. And if therapy only zeroes in on their behavior — “why did you yell?” or “why are you shutting down?” — we risk missing the bigger picture. Victims of coercive control often end up carrying responsibility for the very abuse they are enduring.

And coercive control doesn’t always show up as yelling or obvious domination. More often, it’s woven into everyday interactions that are easy to dismiss — but the impact is deeply felt. Confusion, unnamed anxiety, and shame become baseline emotional states. The nervous system, over time, is worn down by prolonged stress.

Recognizing these patterns for what they are is the first step in bringing clarity to the confusion. With therapy and support, it is possible to rebuild safety, reclaim trust in your instincts, and begin to heal.

(September 2025)