“Look for the helpers.” It’s one of my favorite quotes from Mr. Rogers, and one I often reference for comfort in times of chaos. These words are not providing the same relief right now. For those hurting most have reason to not trust “the helpers.” At best, the “helpers” have been unable to provide lasting solution; at worst they have contributed to the pain. People are hurting. Black people are hurting.
As a therapist, I value my role as being one of the helpers. Like that saying from Mr. Rogers, my role in offering comfort also feels limiting right now. So much of therapy is about validating someone’s experience and offering repairs. Healing can happen in the space between “what did you need and didn’t get” and “how can you get what you’re needing now?” The problem with this approach in addressing racial injustice in the United States, is the injustices continue to happen. We’re unable to make changes for the future, if we’re unable to acknowledge the past. Because trust is built in actions, not in promises, and just like any abusive relationship, words fall short when the beatings continue.
And yet I believe in the change that happens through talking, it’s the magic of how therapy works. And today, when I feel a sense of powerlessness to help, I offer what I can…acknowledgment.
Acknowledging that the reason the black community feels unheard is because no matter the words used or manner in which they’re delivered, the black community continues to be brutally targeted and oppressed because of the very color of their skin. To acknowledge that survival is a human instinct, and when that is threatened, for ourselves and/or our loved ones, we will do desperate things. That as a white woman writing this I’m speaking from a place of empathy and not lived experience, and that is a statement of privilege in and of itself. And I acknowledge that healing cannot occur in the same environment that caused the wounds. Change is not only needed, it is required.
So for those of you feeling unheard, there are people wanting to hear you. For those of you feeling afraid, remember fear is fueled by uncertainty, so educate yourself on what’s going on and why. More education leads to more information to effect change. For those feeling powerless, find your locus of control and work to make changes within that realm. There’s a lot to be sad about right now, and that can easily breed hopelessness; find one thing, no matter how small, that sparks belief.
Mr. Rogers’ said, “Look for the helpers.” It’s time we found other ways to help.
